A Body to Match the Mind
by kiwi wiki
Summary: When it came to women, Jiraiya wasn’t at all picky. So long as she had breasts and a vagina, he’d do her. This would, of course, inevitably come back to bite him in the ass. AU, JINARU, CRACK


**A Body to Match the Mind  
**in which  
_Jiraiya's preference (or lack of it) finally screws him over._

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**--Warning!--  
**Fem!Naru. Jiraiya. Lemon. Yes, it's a combination of those three. Yes, it's awkward. Yes, it's very inappropriate for anyone under any age.  
Read at your own discretion.

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Jiraiya was horny.

That in and of itself was not all that unusual. What was unusual, however, was that no woman had come around to satisfy him yet! (Truthfully, celibacy was indisputably the norm for the perverted old man.)

But that didn't make any sense. The old man knew he was a dashing connoisseur of women. He was tall, handsome, talented where it mattered. He even sometimes had money. He was obviously birthed for the sole purpose of sampling as many vaginas as possible.

(Somehow, the fact most vagina-owners viewed him as a revolting deterrent to their gender never really got through to him.)

Jiraiya was smart. He knew what women wanted. (What he didn't know was that the dichotomous takes on his life should really have discouraged some of his antics.) And in his pursuit of hot pussy, nothing could stop him. (Unfortunately.)

"Hey, baby," he purred to the beautiful brunette sipping at her drink three seats to his left. "That dress looks very becoming on you. I mean, if I were on you, I'd be coming too!"

His cheeks had long since become numb. The newest blow did nothing to slow him down. He turned to the next woman, on his right, with all the attributes he looked for in a woman: two large breasts.

"Hey there, sexy," he grinned, not taking his eyes off the prize(s). "I think I'm in a pickle, but I'd so much rather be in your jam."

As he watched her storm off, he berated himself for not saying he had a pickle that wanted to be in her jam instead.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid!" he said, thrice slamming a hand against his forehead.

"Well, no one's going to argue with you there, you perverted hermit!"

At the cheerful voice that broke into his self-chastisement, he looked up into two smiling, bright blue eyes. He didn't even need to look further to know who it was, but on autopilot, his eyes roamed down the newcomer's figure, taking in the skintight dress that hugged all the important curves. The garment emphasized the larger than life chest and the slim, almost boyish hips. How such a well-endowed chick like her lacked womanly hips was beyond him.

"If you're not about to have sex with me, just leave, brat. I don't need you getting in the way."

He really didn't have time to be dealing with his irritating subordinate at the moment.

Naruto Uzumaki was possibly the only female that Jiraiya couldn't bring himself to hit on (a position all women envied her for), if only because she was more like a daughter to him than anything else (a position all women pitied her for). After all, the man had some propriety (not really) and knew where to draw the line (not at all).

She'd been introduced to him through his childhood friend, Tsunade, a plastic surgeon who'd had so much work done on her she looked like she hadn't aged a day since her twenties. The woman had shoved Naruto at him, telling him only that, "She'd be a valuable asset to your team," and left it at that.

Since she'd begun working for him at his company – publishing literature for the "refined adult", he'd grown very fond of her. She was unlike any other woman Jiraiya had had the pleasure of hitting on. She had the figure of a sexy woman but the mind of a young man and took his comments in stride, even if she often teased him and prevented him from getting what he truly needed.

She regularly delivered pickup lines that could rival his own, she blatantly expressed her love for sex – had, in fact, hit on all the attractive men at their workplace to the point they called her Jiraiya's disciple – and was more than capable of violently turning away unwanted advances.

Instead of acting offended at his comment, Naruto only laughed. She smiled at him with her trademark grin and the old man's eyes widened in surprise as he felt a hand rest tantalizingly close to his groin.

"Is that any way to greet someone whose about to come to your rescue?"

His mouth followed in surprise, dropping open completely, when the hand did more than just come close to his groin.

He stared at the woman, more than half his junior, as she continued to smile at him knowingly. It wasn't that he didn't find her attractive. She was beautiful, in a handsome way, and had the body of a model: almost as tall as most of the men in their workplace and curves in all the right places (read: above the waist). In fact, on their first meeting, his hand had become well acquainted with her rear end. Shortly thereafter, her fist had become well acquainted with his nose.

They flirted with each constantly (and by flirting, Jiraiya actually meant that he regularly pawed her chest), but he'd been somewhat dense to the idea that she might have actually reciprocated his lust.

But when he thought about it, it was truly bizarre, actually, that he had yet to sleep with her. Suddenly all those late nights at the office when he'd had writer's block and she'd offered him sympathetic back rubs and all those times she'd only grinned widely when he made lewd comments about where he'd like her hands instead made so much sense.

How could he have been so blind?

As she gently kneaded the growing bulge in his pants, he realized that it was definitely time to remedy his stupidity. Consequences of screwing someone from his workplace, be damned.

He leaned forward to capture her lips in a demanding kiss, which she returned with equal fervor, and his hand slipped in between her thighs immediately, sliding up slowly to caress her opening through the fabric of her underwear. He toyed with the edges as she spread her legs wider, fingers fumbling with the buckle of his belt.

He had just begun to slip his fingers under the cloth to reach the skin when she pulled away suddenly.

"Wait, wait," she said to his dismay. "Not here. Let's go to my place. It's not that far."

She proceeded to leave him hanging, zipper halfway undone, as she pushed his hand away and stood to straighten the hem of her dress. Without another look at him, she made her way out of the bar. It took Jiraiya all of one second to be on his feet and following her, eyes trailing her ass all the way out the building and to his car.

Naruto refused to touch him while he drove, slapping his hands away whenever he reached for her at a red light. Her place was nowhere near the bar they'd just left. By the time they reached her shoddy apartment complex, he was ready to explode from the frustration and hoping against hope that she wasn't playing one elaborate joke on him. He wouldn't put it past her.

The door had barely begun to shut behind them before he pressed her to the table right against the wall at the entrance. The surprise attack caused her to drop her purse and the sound of items clattering to the floor followed.

Jiraiya paid it no mind, singly focused on removing the dress from her body. He wasn't hesitant to use force if need be, and at the pleasant gasp he received when he reached slightly too fervently and accidentally tore one strap from the garment, Naruto wasn't all that hesitant to be forced.

He grinned at his luck. This was exactly what he needed to relieve his stress. He rolled his hips against her harshly, pushing her further into the table and delighting in the moan that sounded at the action as his hands struggled with the zipper at her back. When he'd gotten it open partway, he pushed the other strap down over her shoulder and began rolling her dress down to her waist.

He leered at her when the dress exposed her chest; she was not wearing a bra.

Immediately, he knew they weren't real. They were too perfect, too round, too firm. He was actually surprised at that fact – Naruto was a bit of a tomboy, after all – but he wasn't complaining. His hands roamed the two perfect breasts in delight, thumbs rolling over the hardened nipples.

"You didn't strike me as the implant type," he commented lightly, gleefully massaging the round globes in his hands.

Naruto simply shrugged, throwing her arms around his shoulders. He hadn't realized she was that tall until just now, finally noticing they were almost eye to eye.

"Well, you know me. I don't like to go in half-assed. Might as well get the whole package if I'm already on the way, you know?"

Jiraiya only grunted in response, attention solely on what was in his hand. Holding firmly onto one breast and pointing it towards him, he bent down to circle his tongue around the edge of one nipple, grinning all the while up into her face. He flicked his tongue over the pert nipple, causing her to close her eyes and fist her hands in his hair. Giving it one last suckle, he straightened again to capture her lips in another kiss.

All the while, her hips continued to roll subtly, obviously seeking friction in her arousal. He ground against her further, and she pulled away from the kiss to gasp loudly in surprise as the table edge dug painfully into her back. The force of his thrust knocked some of the decorative items to fall to the floor.

"Fuck, Pervert. That hurts!"

He kissed her again to silence her complaints. Seriously, why did women always have to complain, even on the precipice of being thoroughly fucked? Ignoring her discomfort, he ground into her again. While he was all for foreplay, it really had been a long time since he'd enjoyed the tight heat of a woman and he needed to be inside her, preferably immediately.

As his mouth worked furiously at hers, tongue dipping in and out of her mouth to war viciously with her tongue, she pushed his hips away gently to unzip the remainder of his pants and reach in to free his straining erection.

He couldn't hold back the long groan that came from deep within his throat when she fisted him tightly, stroking him with long, slow movements. He broke away from the kiss to glance down at her hands, surprisingly large for a woman, as they pumped him slowly.

"Fuck, this is good," he moaned as he braced his hands at either side of her hips against the table.

She grinned, "Believe it."

Not letting go of his penis, she slowly slid down the length of his body to rest on her knees, smirking wildly up at him as he stared at her with wide, hopeful eyes. With deliberate slowness, she licked her lips and his gaze was caught following the pink as it slid from one end of her mouth to the other. It was like heaven and hell, the obvious intent in her eyes and the delay to his pleasure.

Instead of pushing himself into her mouth abruptly, he let her lick tentatively at the head, tongue sliding along the underside of the bulging head before circling to the tip while her hand lightly caressed his testicles.

"Oh, fuck." His grip on the table tightened considerably, knuckles almost paper white with tension.

Without breaking from his gaze, she continued to tongue the entire underside of his penis, repeatedly lathering the body part from tip to base with saliva.

"N-Naruto. Just, fuck, can you just, ah."

He didn't care that he wasn't being coherent. All he wanted was her to take him into her mouth fully, suck him dry if she could. As if finally sensing his desperate need, with her hand fisted at the base, she slowly began to take him in, mouth engulfing his throbbing erection almost to the hilt, stopping only until she reached her hand.

He could hear her choke slightly as she tried to ignore her gag reflex, pulling back up to lick at the head and then down to swallow him again. He could feel her throat constrict around the end of his penis and it was all he could do to keep from thrusting wildly as her head continued move, deep-throating him every time. It was the best head he'd ever received, as if she knew everything a man needed to feel when a woman went down on him.

"Ungh," he grunted, staring down into her eyes. "You're good at this."

She pulled back, throat gurgling as she swallowed the saliva that had collected in her mouth and her lips slid off his penis with a loud, wet sound. "Of course I'm good at this. I know what feels good."

"Hn." She sure was cocky. Again, not like he was complaining.

She swallowed thickly again, stroking him quickly with a tight fist as she continued to kneel before him. She was just about to take him into her mouth again when he tugged gently at her hair, signaling for her to stand.

He really needed to be inside her, it was driving him nuts. Driving his nuts crazy, too.

"Naruto, I need to fuck you."

Naruto laughed at the desperate neediness in his voice. "And I need you to fuck me, so I'm glad we're both on the same page here."

Instead of rising, she lowered her head again to take one of his balls into her mouth and sucked it lightly, lapping at it gently while it rested in her mouth. She pulled away from his body and let it fall back into place when she released it from her mouth.

"I definitely miss getting these," she mused to herself as she pumped him quickly. Jiraiya groaned in response, not caring in the least for what came out of her mouth, only what went in. "I could probably get it all into my mouth."

Jiraiya swore he was dead. Dead and in heaven. He had always wanted a woman to take him completely – balls and all – into her mouth. No woman had ever been able to succeed before with him. He did have a fairly generous package, after all. He was really regretting not pursuing Naruto more thoroughly in the past. He would have produced so many more books by now had he been with her before. She could even be his muse.

To his disappointment, instead of attempting to prove her declaration, she released his dick in order to completely unfasten his pants and slide them to his ankles. He stepped out of them obediently and tugged his shirt off too, throwing it in some random direction.

When she was standing before him again, he reached for the hem of her dress and pushed it up to her waist so her dress bunched there. Not waiting for her to react, he quickly pulled at her underwear, sliding it down to her knees in one expert motion.

She laughed at his efficiency and just as he began to guide his erection to her opening, she placed a hesitant hand on his chest and pushed him back.

"Wait a second!"

He groaned at her again. "Are you trying to kill me? I'm an old man, for gods sake. You can't keep putting this on hold."

"Yeah, yeah. I know," she replied, pushing him away completely and bending down to reach for the scattered objects on the floor.

Was she seriously about to clean up right then and there? Couldn't it wait? He was seconds away from simply grabbing her hips and slamming into her if she didn't straighten up right at that second.

"Shit," she murmured to herself. "I knew I forgot to bring it. Hold up one second!"

Jiraiya was left standing there, angrily pumping his erection as the blond ran off down the hall and into one of the rooms on the right. He saw her flick the light switch on and could hear her rummage through one of her cabinets.

"Ah-hah! Found it!"

She came running back to him, and Jiraiya took solace in the fact he could see her naked breasts bounce with every movement.

Before he could question her actions, Naruto was already pouring something into her hand from the bottle she'd retrieved. He watched as she reached to palm his erection once again, spreading a liberal amount of the cool gel all over. He raised a brow at her.

"Is that really necessary? I thought you were going for a condom."

"Nah, can't get pregnant. But this will make things better."

Jiraiya simply shrugged his shoulders before grabbing her arms and pulling her roughly towards him again. He pushed her back so that she was half-seated on the table, half-standing and let his hand drift down between her thighs to stroke her clit. Her body shuddered at the contact and as his hand slid lower, he was surprised to find her dry. No wonder she needed the lubricant.

A frustrated sound came from her throat as she knocked his hand away and made a grab for his penis.

"You're making me do all the work here, old man."

Before he could defend his bruised ego, she was already guiding him towards her. As he slowly slid into her, aided by the generous helping of lubrication, he closed his eyes in pleasure. He'd finally reached heaven.

From there, the going was a lot smoother. Naruto enthusiastically rolled her hips to meet each of his thrusts. Jiraiya almost felt bad for their neighbors, what with the table banging on against the wall, the clatter of the few photos on the table falling down as Naruto blinding reached for something to hold onto, and the blond's amazingly loud screams.

Naruto's orgasm came quick, stomach tightening as her body jerked and her hips slowed their rocking motion. Jiraiya continued to pound into her, even as her hands tightened painfully on his chest, nails digging in hard enough to draw blood. She braced one hand on his taut belly, leaning back on her elbow as he pushed into her repeatedly to reach his own peak.

"Oh, oh, aah, shit."

Jiraiya delighted in her moans, grinning at her face scrunched in pleasure.

He could feel himself approaching and pulled out suddenly. He quickly began pumping himself to keep building the pressure and without a word from him, Naruto was dropping from the table to her knees, mouth open to catch his ejaculate as she panted.

"Ohhh…."

The low, guttural moan broke through his throat as he released his cum all over her face, watching it land in and around her mouth, on her cheeks, her chin. Naruto licked her lips, drawing whatever was within reach into her mouth and swallowing.

Jiraiya felt like he'd run a marathon. It'd been entirely too long, way too long. He hoped Naruto was up for another round that night; he really needed to get back into shape.

The girl rose to her feet, planting a kiss to the edge of Jiraiya's lips in a surprisingly intimate gesture.

"You came a little quick there, pervert. Looks like you're out of practice."

"Naruto!"

How much more would she be insulting his performance that night? He hoped that wasn't an indication that she wasn't interested in further activities. He watched her walk naked down the hall and disappear around the corner.

"Why don't you come inside properly!" she called from the kitchen. "Do you want something to drink?"

Jiraiya shouted a negative. Naruto was weird, he thought, as he began to straighten up the area where they'd just fucked. Several of the photos had been knocked over and a small box had fallen to the floor. Luckily it was empty, and he bent down easily to pick it up and place it where he thought was its rightful spot.

He then went on to right the photos, looking at them disinterestedly. There was a photo of him and Naruto from the last company outing. There was a photo of Naruto and another blond, busty woman – Tsunade, both in patient doctor gear. They looked like they were in the hospital. There were a few smaller photos of her with various people, and several of a blond boy that looked just like her.

He lifted one to examine it closer. The boy was standing with his arms crossed next to another dark-haired boy, glancing angrily at him from the corner of his eye. They looked about fifteen or sixteen. Jiraiya noticed he even had Naruto's whisker like marks on each cheek. He wondered if maybe it was a birthmark and this wasn't her brother.

"Hey, Naruto!" he called. "You didn't tell me you had a brother."

Naruto reappeared at his call, having finally donned an oversized T-shirt much to the old man's disappointment. Jiraiya looked down at his own nudity and then shrugged his shoulders. It wasn't like there was anything he was ashamed of.

"Brother?"

"Yeah, this guy, here." He passed the photo to the girl and watched as she glanced at it curiously. Then she broke into laughter.

"Haha, no, no. That's not my brother," she said amidst her laughter.

Jiraiya took the photo back and examined it further now that Naruto was there before him as a comparison. They really did look alike. Like twins, actually. "Are you sure? You guys look very similar."

Naruto continued to laugh even despite the strange look she was receiving from her perverted boss. "Of course we look alike. That's me! Before I had my operation."

Jiraiya choked on his spit and turned surprised eyes back to the framed photo in his hands. Wow! Naruto really was a tomboy when she was younger. It was amazing what a few curves could do to a person. "I didn't realize implants could make such a difference!"

Surprisingly, Naruto didn't laugh at his joke then and when he raised his head she was looking at him with an amused grin.

"No," she drawled slowly. Jiraiya didn't like the mischievous smile that was laced in her voice. "The implants came much later. I'm talking about my sex change."

The comment made him freeze. What was Naruto trying to imply? She couldn't possibly be what he thought she was trying to say she was.

She had breasts! Even if they were fake.

She had a vagina! Even if she needed lubrication.

She had curvy – okay so she had boyish hips. But she was slender! Tall and slender. Like a model! Even if she was unusually tall!

Oh, no.

Oh, oh, no. This was not happening.

At the amused look on her – his?! – face, Jiraiya could feel the panic rising. He had not just slept with a man. He had not.

Naruto only smiled wildly.

Jiraiya fainted.

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**--A/N--  
**Bwahaha. Yes, Naruto as a tranny. How quickly did you catch on?  
I wrote this in one rushed sitting so there are probably lots of inconsistencies and typos. Oh well.


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